Empty Nesters Staying Connected With Kids From Afar - E125

Rick Denton (00:00)
This week on The Loud Quiet, empty nesters staying connected with kids from afar. Hey everyone, welcome back to another episode of The Loud Quiet. Another reminder, the book is coming out very soon, which I imagine y'all are tired of hearing the words very soon. There's a lot more that goes into publishing a book than I think we realized, and so we're right there at the finish line. We're just needing to cross the finish line, and it is truly coming very soon. If you'd like to get more information about it and get all those pre-

release bonuses that we have been already releasing, can head over to theloudquiet.com, go over to the book page and you'll see that there.

Clancy Denton (00:34)
Yeah. Today's episode, we thought we would talk about communication from afar. You know, a lot of our kids go away to school, even if they're, if you live in Dallas and they're at SMU, they're still living in the dorm down at SMU or living in apartment, you know, 30 miles away. So we thought that we would talk about some of the challenges that we had and how

We have handled communication when you've got distance between you.

Rick Denton (01:09)
And know we're talking about college kids. This is applicable to any of your kids now that you're empty nest that they've left the home. Communication and how to do it appropriately, not just the distance alone, but also the stage of life and the role applies university or not.

Clancy Denton (01:27)
Yeah. And I even think about when you said, think about college adult kids, you know, this also can go for communicating with your parents if they are still around. we can talk. Yeah, we can talk about that one. But the reason that we wanted to talk about this, you know, a lot of you who have been listening and know our family know that, you know, Tegan had a horrible

Rick Denton (01:37)
Interesting. That's a bit of a surprise. Yeah.

Clancy Denton (01:56)
freshman year with a not so great roommate. It was not an ideal situation. There's actually probably several episodes about it. There's also a chapter in the book, which the side note, when we went this weekend, we took the book to show her, we went to visit her, and she's like, ooh, I need to read the chapter about the roommate. which... it's appropriately written. I will say that. Anyway, so, you know...

Rick Denton (02:17)
It's her story.

Clancy Denton (02:24)
when she was going through that struggle, was daily calls, daily texts, sometimes two calls a day because she had met her friend group and thank goodness she met that friend group so early, but she didn't at that point have the relationships established with them that she does with her family. so yes, we were on the phone and getting texts and helping her navigate this

And so yeah, it really was constant communication and contact.

Rick Denton (03:00)
call us every single day ⁓ as she came back walking from the gym to her dorm.

Clancy Denton (03:06)
And then sometimes when she got back to her dorm, if something had happened, she would go to the one of the study rooms and call us from there. yes. of Yeah. Now, once she navigated through that and got the issue resolved and eventually moved out into her new dorm, we noticed a shift by this point because it took till spring semester. And by this point,

She had her friend group well established. It was very interesting how the calls and even sometimes the text just kind of fell off.

Rick Denton (03:46)
And for us, I like that you mentioned the spring semester. For us, that was the timing associated with this event. Even if there wasn't necessarily a critical event, I think a lot of parents, especially of freshmen students, are feeling that right now here in that February timeframe, because a lot of kids, it's Christmas where the light bulb goes off that they realize, wait, my core, my friends, my depth of relationships has shifted to where I am now.

It's in that January, February timeframe that you really as a parent start to see that pulling away and the communications just start to disappear.

Clancy Denton (04:26)
And it's hard. I mean, it's hard for us. It's not hard for them, but it's hard for us. And you have to think also, but they're doing well. Like, you know, things are good. And I had to keep telling myself that. And I would say that to you. Hey, if something just great happens, she would call or text us. If something horrible happens, she would call or text us. There was not a lot of just

Hey, what's going on, ketchup calls or texts. So I had to shift my mentality and eventually we did have to have a conversation with her about expectations of communication.

Rick Denton (05:09)
There was that joke that you had said, look, I need at least a proof of life text. It can simply be just a thumbs up or not, but it has to be something like that.

Clancy Denton (05:18)
For us, our son, Tanner, who went away, they have totally different communication styles. Even now, they have totally different communication styles. So we had our expectations set for us when he went that he called or text every single day, pretty much. At least text for sure. Calls, calls, not so much maybe, but texting for sure. And really,

if a day went that I hadn't heard from him, I was like, hey, you good? ⁓ yeah. And then I'd get a whole diatribe of what he's been doing and everything.

Rick Denton (05:57)
interesting to think of the poor second child. They are who they are and that the parents are set up in a way based off the first child. The second child is like, no, this is just who I am.

Clancy Denton (06:01)
That things get set up.

Well, and again, when they're in your house and you see them all the time, all of our texts with her and him when they were living here were probably transactional. Hey, what time do you have practice? Hey, what time do I need to pick you up from this? Hey, what do you know? Yes. mean, so when they're gone and you're not getting that face to face conversation, you still, you want to be involved in their life. And that's

Rick Denton (06:24)
stairs for dinner.

Clancy Denton (06:39)
I like a phrase that we wrote that, you you're continually thinking about them all day long. They may not be doing that because they now have this other life and have new rhythms and that kind of routine.

Rick Denton (06:56)
Well, and they definitely have their own rhythms. I think there's been times that the kids have even commented about, y'all are living the emptiness life. Remember, we still exist. So there is some of that. But in general, you're right. They are in such a completely unique rhythm, especially when you're talking about a ⁓ college kid. That is a stage of life that has a rhythm that is unlike any other rhythm that's out there. And it's typically very out of sync with what we were feeling as parents.

Clancy Denton (07:24)
Yes, yes. I am not up till 2 a.m. and sometimes Tanner forgot that. And so he would be leaving somewhere and throw us a picture or a text. So I'm getting woken up from my slumber at 2 a.m. our time, which was midnight his time to a fun picture to which I would have to then.

I'll look at it in the morning. I would just text him back and he'd be like, ⁓ sorry. He that first year, especially he forgot a lot of times about the time chain.

Rick Denton (08:01)
be something the parents should consider when helping guide their children toward colleges is which time zone aligns with your sleep schedules. that was amazing how many middle of the night and of course, what is every human forget parent, any being in the middle of the night is a typically frightening call and to see just a picture of leaving the club.

Clancy Denton (08:22)
I know. And there's been one or two times that I've slept through that ding and I see it in the morning. I'm like, oh, but it's never been anything, thank goodness, bad. and our kids went to a state that doesn't do daylight savings. So we're always like, okay, wait a second. Is it this time or is it this time? And that's why a practical tip would be print off your kids' and have it, I put

both our kids' schedules on the fridge. schedule. Yeah, class schedule. I even do it for Tanner, who is, you know, in law school, because I don't want to bother them when they're in class. And that's just being respectful of their time, just like they know we have Life Group on Tuesdays. Don't text them then, even though they do.

Rick Denton (09:13)
And

that's the class schedule. Wait, I just heard that. Yes, even though they do. Absolutely. remember, it's Tuesday. That's one thing is it's not just about the late nights, you joking about that, but it is it's just as a different lifestyle. Classes are different. And anybody who's gone to college knows that it's it's just different that you're in class for a couple hours and you're studying or those sorts of things. And I think that's where understanding their schedule and also

Clancy Denton (09:18)
Yeah.

Yeah.

Rick Denton (09:43)
just recognizing that if you're trying to stay in touch with them, make it easy for them to respond. It's, to use the old customer experience kind of phrasing, but it's having empathy for what they're living, understanding their life experience and just trying to be in that space. Maybe they don't have time for the big monster text or phone call conversation, but if you set it up to make it easy for them to respond.

Clancy Denton (10:09)
Yes. And I think those make it easy text can be, you know, things that can just warrant a thumbs up response, but then at least, you know, they've seen it, you know, they've got proof of life. ⁓ but then, you know, there's also, if you know that they've told you, they have a test coming up. I know Tegan appreciates it when we're like, Hey, thinking of you hope the exam goes well today, or Hey, how did that

your in-person talk with your professor go.

Rick Denton (10:42)
You are so much better at that than I am. I do such a poor job of knowing those things and I'm glad that we've got that group text that you can do those sorts of things because I really struggled to remember, I had this conversation with a professor, I had this test.

Clancy Denton (10:58)
I think that's probably just the mom who has been the organizer of all their stuff. That just probably hits my head and I just hear it. hear it and it locks in, yeah.

Rick Denton (11:07)
Whereas what I can always do is I'll just send a picture of the cat. long as I can, and trust me, cats or any pets in general will give you something to take a picture of them anytime during the day. And so I can snap one of those crazy ones and just send that that way. And that can get a laugh or a heart or just a reaction. It usually gets more reaction than other things.

Clancy Denton (11:29)
And I will say this, freshman year though, I remember when she was going through some tough times and we would send pictures of Miso, it almost did the opposite of, I wanna come home, I'm ready to see him. So I think we even backed off a little bit doing that because we were trying to still let her get her feet wet being out there, which she did great and fine.

Rick Denton (11:59)
No, no, You mentioned transactional text. Those are fine too. And my gosh, we've been on the receiving end of some of those too, right? Hey, what's the Netflix password? Yeah. I'm sorry. Not Netflix. We can't share those. But what is the family password for other streaming services? We get that one a lot.

Clancy Denton (12:17)
Sometimes you and Tanner play Flaggle, which if you don't know what that is, it's an app where you get a flag and you have to figure out what it is. So you guys go back and forth on, I got this and whatever. I'll send Tegan things from Instagram or things that have meaning to her. I'll send her those kind of texts. So yeah, I think you just have to find.

And some people, this is not an issue for them and their kids because maybe they have kids that are really good texters or really good phone call people, you know? And like I said, Tanner still texts or calls every day. you know, when we were some... Okay. He did until...

Rick Denton (13:03)
Does he? I'll challenge you on that. used to be.

Clancy Denton (13:12)
his beautiful girlfriend came into the picture. Now he still does. we daily texts we get daily. I would say there's always a text because he at least sends something, my gosh, did y'all see this? Or, my gosh, last night was fun. You know, we were down there with them last night. So I'm sure we will be getting some sort of text in regards to that. But so yes, okay. That has gone down a little bit, but

Rick Denton (13:37)
Which shows that it's not just the college aspect of it, that there will always be stages and evolutions of how you stay connected with your kid. We talk so much about staying connected with each other and I think a lot of parents want to stay connected with their kids and it does. It continues to.

Clancy Denton (13:52)
I'm

just glad that we have kids that like to communicate with us now We were somewhere with Tanner and and Tegan She'll throw a text anytime, but if she wants to call she always says can I call and she always texts me can I call and Of course the answer is 95 % yes But Tanner said I'm just gonna tell her the next time you just call them. They'll pick up. I'm like I said

She's not like you. said, he's right. She. I know we do, but sometimes we're like, I'm right in the middle of something I get, but do we pick it up? Yes, if we are able to. But she has always done that preface of can I call?

Rick Denton (14:24)
I see that Tanner didn't

lot of our interest in staying connected with our kids is trying to hear their stories and understand their life. That's, we're just naturally kind of that way as parents. We have found that when we share a little bit of our life, it also helps bridge that connection that it's been okay and actually well received when something exciting is happening in our world and we'll just share that story. I can see how a kid, and I say a kid,

you and I are also have been kids of the generation above us. I know what it felt like when parents, it felt like parents were trying to pull information out of me all the time. Well, if we're sharing our life as opposed to pulling information, it's a different communication, a different connection.

Clancy Denton (15:26)
Yes. Each side wants to feel interests from the other side. You know, you want to feel like people are interested in what you're doing as well as being interested in what they're doing. And this is one of my biggest pet peeves and I will just, this is a side note. And I mean, yes, it could have to do with communication with your kids, your parents, your friends, anything.

I cannot stand people and I don't understand certain people who you go to lunch, dinner, phone conversation with, you're asking them about their life and for an hour they talk about themselves and never once ask anything about yours. I don't understand that.

makeup. just, I don't get it because well, I'm not like that. you know, and you try, I've even felt myself like trying to guide them into, you know, I'll throw something in. like, that would have been a great time for you to expand and ask me, ⁓ really? That's blah, blah, blah. Tell me about that. You know, no, I, I,

Rick Denton (16:45)
conversations up with friends like it's a

Clancy Denton (16:48)
TV show. you know, it's very hard when I know that I'm going to meet someone that is like that. And I know it and I'm not going to write them off, but it's just when you get done, you're just like exhausted almost because they've just word vomited on you for an entire hour and not you didn't get to share anything about what's going on with you. I love it. I know this is

getting a little off topic, but I love the way that my, there's a mom's group, cheer moms that I go out with once a month. I love the way we do it. And we started this from the very beginning, what, seven, eight years ago when we started going out once a month, we all sit down, hey, you know, have all the niceties up front. And then we go one by one and everyone shares what's going on with their kids, their family. And I love it.

And we all interject as we're going, but everyone gets their turn to tell what's going on. And I love it. I don't know how we started off that way, but I mean, but maybe we should go help other people. But I love it. I love that. So I just think that it's a good way to get everybody gets a chance to share.

Rick Denton (17:59)
have like some professional facilitator

And that's the idea behind this idea is, you know, almost in the, it's related to what you're saying about it can be exhausting if you're just listening to somebody talk about their life. It also can be exhausting if you're the one just getting peppered with questions. And I think kids are particularly susceptible. I think I'll say it differently. think parents are particularly at risk of doing that to their kids where

We may be waiting for the kid to ask a question about something in our life. And so in the absence of that, we just keep asking them questions. This is instead we actively choose, we're going to share something about our life, even if they didn't ask about

Clancy Denton (18:57)
I've gotten over that real fast. I'm like, well, here's what we're doing. You yeah, because we are thinking about them a lot, especially when they leave. If you went to college, you remember college. You're not thinking about your parents. You're thinking about, you know, what you're going to go eat tonight.

Rick Denton (19:12)
And it's not, I can't think of a better phrase than this, but it's like, it's kind of the power dynamic too, right? You know, it is the parent, the hierarchical, the relationship hierarchy, or whatever you want to call it, it's not necessarily natural for the kid to be as inquisitive about their parents. They spent the first 20 plus years of their lives not being that way. And so having almost to help educate them to be

Interested in your life by sharing your life with them helps bridge that connection from afar

Clancy Denton (19:45)
So that's interesting because that shift does happen because we are both children of parents. I mean, know yours are both gone now, but that shift does happen though, because I do ask, what have y'all been doing? When I call my mom, it's interesting when we were in...

college and away, you we still had long distance. So you got to call once a week. And there was no.

There was no email when we were in college. came out right after, but there was no texting, obviously. But you know, so that- We even wrote letters. That pattern, yeah, that pattern probably got established then. And with the phones the way they are now, yes, I text my parents, they text me. Learning to shift that communication that you had that style for so many years. ⁓

is

Rick Denton (20:51)
I can, as I'm thinking, you mentioned that my parents have both passed. My dad passed a lot younger in life at 57 back in the early aughts. And my mom, as listeners of the show know, passed away recently and so lived a lot longer. I never made that real shift that I can think of with my dad, that I was really peppering him with what's going on in his life. It would just come out. He was a very conversational dude anyway. I do recall that with my mom.

And so it would have been interesting had I been a little more aware to recognize when that moment is. I just know that I can look back and recognize that it didn't exist with my dad before he passed. And it did exist with my mom.

Clancy Denton (21:35)
You know what I think the difference was? I think the difference was we were in person with your dad a lot more than at that stage of life because we were going to Austin quite often and we had just had Tanner so he was around a lot. So you didn't necessarily need to have those extra conversations outside of the in-person ones that we were having.

Rick Denton (22:03)
Yeah, that's a really good point. And I know that's what we're talking today about, connected with your kids from afar. Well, one of the best ways to stay connected from afar is we'll make it not afar. And I know it's not available for everyone and the frequency can be very variable there, especially there's some global distances involved here. It does change when you do have that in person. The conversations we have with Teagan when we're sitting across lunch with her are much different than the ones on

Clancy Denton (22:32)
Yeah, you know, my parents have one child that yes has lived globally almost his entire adult life. And so they have their routine of still calling on Sunday, know, soon that will change because he's moving back here. So I'll be very interested to see how that goes.

Rick Denton (22:53)
We are not going to comment on that.

Clancy Denton (22:55)
You may have to have all of them on the show.

Rick Denton (23:00)
Are we doing a Moripovich

Clancy Denton (23:03)
When your 57 year old, almost 57 year old boomerang child comes back only because they are moving back to the States. They're not really moving back in with my parents, but they are for a short time. But that would be interesting. How's that going?

Rick Denton (23:21)
We're gonna need security.

So I hope that helps some folks with the idea of staying connected with your kids or any of your relationships from afar. I know for empty nesters, the kids are frequently on the mind. This really applies to any of the relationships that you have.

Clancy Denton (23:38)
Yeah. And you know, if y'all have other tips or tricks that you use to stay in communication with your kids, I remember someone saying at one point they would shut off the like Netflix to their kids so that they would have to text them back when you can share Netflix, they would have to text them and say, Oh, what's the Netflix password again? Yeah. That's genius idea.

Rick Denton (24:01)
Give me a call, it's easier.

Clancy Denton (24:06)
But if you have any other ideas, we'd love for y'all to share them with us at theloudquiet.com. Come join in on the conversation and thanks again for listening to another episode of The Loud Quiet.